HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate expensive
car
parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door;
works
particularly well on boxes containing
convertible tops or tonneau
covers.
ELECTRIC
steel Pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age, but it also
works
great for drilling roll bar mounting
holes in the floor of a sports car
just above the brake line that goes to
the rear axle.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a
crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting those stale garage cigarettes
you keep hidden in the back of
the
Whitworth socket drawer (What wife
would think to look in there?) because
you can never remember to buy lighter
fluid for the
Zippo lighter you got
from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for hiding
six-month
old
reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks
you
in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against
the Rolling Stones poster over the
bench grinder.
throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light.
Also
removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes you to say, "Django
Reinhardt".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang
to the ground after you have installed
a set of Ford Motor sports
lowered road
springs, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-
a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see
if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
used mainly for getting
dog-doo off
your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT
off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for
illuminating grease buildup on
crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile strength of ground
straps and hydraulic clutch
lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor
mount prying tool that inexplicably has
an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the
handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
transferring sulfuric acid from a car
battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as
you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin", which
is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of
the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil
cans and splash oil on your shirt;
can also be used, as the name implies,
to round-out Phillips screw heads.
produced in a coal-burning power plant
200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench
that grips rusty suspension bolts last
tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Abingdon, Oxford shire, and rounds them
off.